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I Found My Faith

I touched on how music and my poems got me through my dark moments, but what was also a huge part of my growth was my connections with people that God had placed in my path. He always had me connected with faith believing people before I had a true belief in Him.

I didn't become a believer in God until 1989. I hadn't been walking in faith, I was just making my life decisions in the flesh with hopes that they would work out as I planned. In most cases they did, but I knew and felt that I was still missing something.
I spent a lot of years just going through the motions of life never really being thankful for each day. I just expected tomorrow to be waiting for me. But all of that changed when I started having a reoccurring dream to move to Phoenix, AZ. I shared my dream with my husband and he applied for a job in Phoenix; went on the interview, and that was that. He didn't get the job and we didn't put much thought into it...we just continued going through the motions of our everyday life, but the dream didn't stop, and I knew we had to move; so my husband found a job and we relocated.

It was in Phoenix, AZ the year of 1989 that I met a woman named Helen Rose that redirected my life. She owned a boutique in Scottsdale, AZ that I stumbled upon looking for a shop to sell southwestern t-shirts to. I walked in confidently ready to make a sale, but as she listened patiently I knew she wasn't buying, so I started folding up the t-shirts to move on to the next store. She looked at me smiling and said, "I don't want to buy anything, but I do want to invite you to lunch." It was at lunch that day with Helen Rose and her church ladies that I found what had been missing in my in God. Everything just seemed to fit after that day, and Helen became a positive force in my life.

As I sat in the church that Helen Rose invited me to each Sunday, I felt as if every sermon was written for me. As the pastor spoke about forgiveness I knew and felt in my heart that I hadn't forgiven anyone. I had stopped reliving events of my past, along with moving forward with my life, but I hadn't forgiven the man that I was so disappointed in, or myself. When you grow up in a highly dysfunctional environment guilt tends to attach itself to you, and you tend to live your life in a emotional prison. I needed to forgive everyone and everything that I was carrying anger towards so I could be released from that prision and experience my freedom.

It was sitting in church that I learned about forgiveness and how it didn't mean acceptance. Furthermore, I finally understood that forgiveness was for me. This was so I could grow and heal. I was still giving power to past anger. Although I had the right to feel angry, I had been carrying it way too long; it was time to dispose of it, and that is what I did. Instead of continuing to carry the burden of anger and hate, I prayed.

I finally believed in the God I had so much doubt in over the years, and I had finally found my faith.

"Faith draws the poison from every grief, takes the sting from every loss, 
and quenches the fire of every pain;
and only faith can do it."  - J.G. Holland

Peace, love, & hugs!


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