This morning after everything that I read, Galatians 6:9 came to my mind. As motivating as that verse is, all I could think of is, I'm tired. I'm tired of committing twelve years of my life to a drug addict. I'm tired of doing good deeds for people that are unappreciative and never change. I'm tired of threats and verbal abuse. I'm tired of rescuing, tired of my family being torn apart, and extremely saddened and tired of my grandchildren living in a nightmare. The truth is, I have grown weary and I have given up.
I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to separate myself from my son more than I already had. I could tell that he had relapsed once again, and I knew that for my own peace I had to have little or no contact with him. Furthermore, he had made it clear by changing his name on Facebook to his birth name, and referring to the only father he's ever known as "my husband" when talking to me, that he had made a decision as well. Was it hurtful? I would say more unexpected and a slap in the face, but if it meant a new beginning for him in order to implement positive changes for his life - I say, go for it!
Did I think my distance was going to allow me the freedom and peace that I've been praying for? I was hopeful. But what I received instead was rants yesterday on Facebook that he was done with everyone and was going to kill himself, messages the day before from her that that he won't let her and the kids leave the house. Just endless drama. Here's what I know about those that live a drama filled life - you associate with drama, you like drama, or you are the drama - both of them are drama, and I am a recipient of drama due to my association with drama filled people, and I hate drama! I don't want it in my life. Another reminder to myself that I need to distance myself from the craziness.
Sadly, I didn't become emotional in regards to him talking about killing himself, and I could care less what the real story was with both of them posting on Facebook to play the part of the martyr. As my daughter Melissa said, " they can always find time to post on facebook when supposedly everything is so bad." I know that if I'm in a bad situation Facebook isn't my go to place. I'd be figuring out how to get the hell out of Dodge. But, this behavior is so common for the two of them - it's been going on for almost seven years now. My heart is with my grandchildren because it's their hearts that are being broken each day as weeds are being planted in their tiny souls. Sadness begins taking over where happiness once lived. I know that life, I was that child - they deserve more!
After a week of drama which one day led me to call 911 to only receive attitude for my efforts in trying to diffuse a situation. I once again told myself no more! But driving home late last night from a night out with my husband an unknown number called my phone at 12:30 am. I don't typically answer unfamiliar numbers, and I questioned my need to want to answer this one. I gave into my temptation and on the other end was a voice filled with anger and adrenaline asking me to come get him. "Mom, can you come get me? I'm hiding behind the Shell Station." As we drove tiredly across town my thoughts were with the babies. I prayed the entire ride feeling sick to my stomach. Then I made a phone call. I called Melissa and said," I just care about the babies." She immediately hopped in the car to meet us at their home.
As my husband I pulled up to the Shell Station I thought I saw for a split second the caring, loving, compassionate being that I once knew, but it only took a few seconds for rage and anger to surface, and witness the addict I don't like.
I wish I had more compassion for him because I can see the sadness, confusion, and him being lost in his eyes, but I can't. I've worked too many years on trying to help him live the life that God has planned for him, but he has chosen the dark side of life. I just can't anymore - it triggers emotions in me that brings back past demons, and I fought too hard to save my life. I'm not slipping back! I need to be strong and healthy for my grandchildren.
Judge me if you want, but addiction is a hard life for all involved, and my journey at this time does not lead me to his path.
On the way home I couldn't help thinking that maybe I shouldn't of answered the phone, but if I hadn't it would have been a fight night that my grandchildren would have to witness once again. It's selfish behavior from the two of them, and I'm tired and angry about it.
For those of you that haven't lived with addiction, I came across this poem that is a perfect description of drug addiction and what it does.
Story Quote #6365356
all quotes · story · Hello, my name is DRUGS - I destroy homes, tear families apart,
Hello, my name is DRUGS -
I destroy homes, tear families apart, take your children, and that's just the start. I'm more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold. And if you need me, remember I'm easily found, I live all around you, in schools and in town. I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door. My power is awesome; try me, you'll see. But if you do, you may NEVER break free. Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I'll own your soul. When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie. You do what you have to just to get high. The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in my arms. You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad. When you see their tears, you should feel sad. But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised, I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways. I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from god, and separate friends. I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always, right by your side. You'll give up everything... your family, your home... your friends, your money, then you'll be alone. I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give. When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live. If you try me be warned this is no game. If given the chance, I'll drive you insane. I'll ravish your body; I'll control your mind. I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine. The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed, the voices you'll hear from inside your head. The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see; I want you to know, these are all gifts from me. But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart, that you are mine, and we shall not part. You'll regret that you tried me, they always do, but you came to me, not I to you. You knew this would happen. Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold. You could have said no, and just walked away. If you could live that day over, now what would you say? I'll be your master; you will be my slave, I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave. Now that you have met me , what will you do? Will you try me or not? Its all up to you. I can bring you more misery than words can tell. Come take my hand, LET ME LEAD YOU TO HELL. http://www.wittyprofiles.com/q/6365356
Peace, Love, & Hugs!