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Fighting My Thoughts

Happy, positive and determined had become my new way of living life; at least that's what I thought. But, we all know that life isn't that easy.

I was positive in my thinking, but I always seemed to leave the window open just enough for a negative thought from my past to slip in and challenge my thinking. The majority of the time I was able to dismiss them, but I had one week in the late 80's that put up a good fight. It was difficult for me to climb out of bed each morning and function, and harder for me to smile. My smile had always seemed to get me through the worst of days, but this time I struggled.

A good friend of mine, June, stopped by one day as I was lying on the carpet lifeless watching the kids play. She kept asking me if I was okay, and I tried hard to sound convincing that I was, but I wasn't even buying it. For the first time in my life the fight had left me and I didn't know how to get it back. This was my suffering, and it was just there. I had t…
Recent posts

My Happy

I know that I flew through 18 years of my life in just a few blogs, but you got the picture of what my home life was like. I lived through it and survived it, so I'm not very good today at making it sound as nightmarish as I did when I first started sharing my journey. I'll never deny that it wasn't good for any of us mentally, but I've healed, grown, and moved on. There's no going backwards for me, so hanging on to anger from it isn't my focus. That part of my life challenged me, pushed me, educated me, and made me who I am today - I'm thankful for it!

My Epiphany
It was in my twenties when I received my epiphany that I needed to work on my attitude about life. I had always told myself that the one thing that I would never be in life was my parents. But, one day as I was yelling about something senseless I knew that I was becoming what I didn't want to be. At that  moment I took ownership of what a shitty person I was. I was cynical, judgmental, and wa…

Moving On

My time at home during my high school years became mainly a place to lie my head at night. I wasn't really involved with whatever nonsense that took place each day - it was school and work for me. My focus had switched to saving as much money as possible to walk out the door at 18.
I Turned 18 I left home at 18 with a husband and a daughter. My life was finally going to begin, but my father wasn't a good loser. He would call me on the phone trying hard to break me down with his words, and on occasion would walk back and forth in front of my place of employment trying hard to intimidate me. It wasn't about him missing me or loving me; it was simply because I had broke free, and he had lost control.  
The Confrontation Finally one night after work I stopped by my parents home to confront the issue. He flew into a rage shouting that he was going to kill me. I was beyond tired of that same old threat that he screamed at each of us at least once in our lifetime. I looked at him …

My Journey ...Taking Control

My days of sitting in solitude gazing at the sky asking God to take me away from my home had ended.

I was older and had become wise enough to recognize that no one was coming to rescue me. Life at home was the same, and year after year family came to visit from California and New Mexico always leaving us behind when they left. I was tired of carrying false hope, so at the ripe old age of 15
I made the decision to no longer believe in the God that I knew nothing about. I needed to figure my life out, and I needed to do it on my own. I only had three years left to have a solid plan. I was no longer the little girl that for eleven years sat on the curb saying childlike prayers while never losing hope of  a miracle. I was done hoping and waiting - I needed to take control of my life.

I was in High School now, and although my thoughts were more positive, my focus on school just wasn't there. As much as I loved school I was consumed with thoughts of leaving home. My mind was always on …

My Life Journey

The summer before entering middle school I spent most of my weekdays at a summer program held at the elementary school, and riding around on my bike with Deborah. One day on our ride we stopped at the corner gas station where I had stopped so many times before to grab a soda for our ride. I jumped off my bike and ran to get change. When I asked for change I was told to follow Poochie into the office. I was suddenly pushed inside by King as he locked the door behind him, There I stood stuck inside a tiny space with the two men that had treated me like family. I knew that I was in trouble, so I fought...swinging, kicking and punching the two men that were working hard on ripping off my clothes. What seemed like hours I know was only minutes - thankfully Deborah's instinct signaled  that something was wrong. She pounded her fists on the door screaming at them to let me out, and they did - walking away like they had done no wrong.
We rode away that day never looking back or speaking …

58 Years

Today marks 58 years that God has blessed me with; and I am beyond grateful! There were many years of my life that I just took each day for granted, not acknowledging that everyday is a gift that I have been blessed with.
I was too busy surviving and working to accumulate things, versus using most of that energy and time on people. I missed out on moments because I was too busy focusing on what was ahead instead of being in the now. It really wasn't until I woke up one day and found out that I had stage 4 cancer. I was in the best place in my life back then I thought. I was in great physical shape, working and going to school, but my life got turned upside down. Every time my doctor would tell me how lucky I was that I caught my cancer in time, and it was good that I listen to my body, I saw it as my wake up call from God. I had become lost with recognizing my purpose, and I was living with a more is better attitude. Don't get me wrong, I like nice things, but I don't nee…

My Life Journey

In my prior blog I mentioned my sister giving birth to a baby girl that was my father's child.
I didn't feel a major shift in my life with the birth of my sister/niece. I also had a younger brother in the home at that time, so another child was my blessing of less attention directed towards me. I was at a point in my life that less was best. I cherished my solitude and would find any place without people to be.

My father had an office that was detached from the main house that I would spend hours hanging out in enjoying the silence. My father liked to gamble so there were many times that  he was gone for an entire week, sometimes coming home only to grab fresh clothes. I never knew for sure when he would return, but I had become bolder with leaving the house when he was away. Such as, riding my bike around the neighborhood and staying outside until the streets lights came on. I know that sounds ridiculous to most people, but when you live in a controlled environment, it's…