Saturday, July 23, 2016

I Have Grown Weary

I read a few bible versus each morning, some positive quotes, and end in prayer before I begin my day.
This morning after everything that I read, Galatians 6:9 came to my mind. As motivating as that verse is, all I could think of is, I'm tired. I'm tired of committing twelve years of my life to a drug addict. I'm tired of doing good deeds for people that are unappreciative and never change. I'm tired of threats and verbal abuse. I'm tired of rescuing, tired of my family being torn apart, and extremely saddened and tired of my grandchildren living in a nightmare. The truth is, I have grown weary and I have given up.

I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to separate myself from my son more than I already had. I could tell that he had relapsed once again, and I knew that for my own peace I had to have little or no contact with him. Furthermore, he had made it clear by changing his name on Facebook to his birth name, and referring to the only father he's ever known as "my husband" when talking to me, that he had made a decision as well. Was it hurtful? I would say more unexpected and a slap in the face, but if it meant a new beginning for him in order to implement positive changes for his life - I say, go for it!

Did I think my distance was going to allow me the freedom and peace that I've been praying for? I was hopeful. But what I received instead was rants yesterday on Facebook that he was done with everyone and was going to kill himself, messages the day before from her that that he won't let her and the kids leave the house. Just endless drama. Here's what I know about those that live a drama filled life - you associate with drama, you like drama, or you are the drama - both of them are drama, and I am a recipient of drama due to my association with drama filled people, and I hate drama! I don't want it in my life. Another reminder to myself that I need to distance myself from the craziness.

Sadly, I didn't become emotional in regards to him talking about killing himself, and I could care less what the real story was with both of them posting on Facebook to play the part of the martyr. As my daughter Melissa said, " they can always find time to post on facebook when supposedly everything is so bad." I know that if I'm in a bad situation Facebook isn't my go to place. I'd be figuring out how to get the hell out of Dodge. But, this behavior is so common for the two of them - it's been going on for almost seven years now. My heart is with my grandchildren because it's their hearts that are being broken each day as weeds are being planted in their tiny souls. Sadness begins taking over where happiness once lived. I know that life, I was that child - they deserve more!

After a week of drama which one day led me to call 911 to only receive attitude for my efforts in trying to diffuse a situation. I once again told myself no more! But driving home late last night from a night out with my husband an unknown number called my phone at 12:30 am. I don't typically answer unfamiliar numbers, and I questioned my need to want to answer this one. I gave into my temptation and on the other end was a voice filled with anger and adrenaline asking me to come get him. "Mom, can you come get me? I'm hiding behind the Shell Station." As we drove tiredly across town my thoughts were with the babies. I prayed the entire ride feeling sick to my stomach. Then I made a phone call. I called Melissa and said," I just care about the babies." She immediately hopped in the car to meet us at their home.

As my husband I pulled up to the Shell Station I thought I saw for a split second the caring, loving, compassionate being that I once knew, but it only took a few seconds for rage and anger to surface, and witness the addict I don't like.
I wish I had more compassion for him because I can see the sadness, confusion, and him being lost in his eyes, but I can't. I've worked too many years on trying to help him live the life that God has planned for him, but he has chosen the dark side of life. I just can't anymore - it triggers emotions in me that brings back past demons, and I fought too hard to save my life. I'm not slipping back! I need to be strong and healthy for my grandchildren.
Judge me if you want, but addiction is a hard life for all involved, and my journey at this time does not lead me to his path.

On the way home I couldn't help thinking that maybe I shouldn't of answered the phone, but if I hadn't it would have been a fight night that my grandchildren would have to witness once again. It's selfish behavior from the two of them, and I'm tired and angry about it.

For those of you that haven't lived with addiction, I came across this poem that is a perfect description of drug addiction and what it does.

Story Quote #6365356
all quotes · story · Hello, my name is DRUGS - I destroy homes, tear families apart,

Hello, my name is DRUGS -
I destroy homes, tear families apart, take your children, and that's just the start. I'm more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold. And if you need me, remember I'm easily found, I live all around you, in schools and in town. I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door. My power is awesome; try me, you'll see. But if you do, you may NEVER break free. Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I'll own your soul. When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie. You do what you have to just to get high. The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in my arms. You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad. When you see their tears, you should feel sad. But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised, I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways. I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from god, and separate friends. I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always, right by your side. You'll give up everything... your family, your home... your friends, your money, then you'll be alone. I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give. When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live. If you try me be warned this is no game. If given the chance, I'll drive you insane. I'll ravish your body; I'll control your mind. I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine. The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed, the voices you'll hear from inside your head. The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see; I want you to know, these are all gifts from me. But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart, that you are mine, and we shall not part. You'll regret that you tried me, they always do, but you came to me, not I to you. You knew this would happen. Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold. You could have said no, and just walked away. If you could live that day over, now what would you say? I'll be your master; you will be my slave, I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave. Now that you have met me , what will you do? Will you try me or not? Its all up to you. I can bring you more misery than words can tell. Come take my hand, LET ME LEAD YOU TO HELL.

Peace, Love, & Hugs!

Wednesday, July 20, 2016


Yesterday evening before bed I begin thinking about my life as a Life Coach. My thought was that I can help others find balance, hope, and restore their faith, but in my immediate family there's some that I just can't seem to reach. I know that people have to be ready for change, but it saddens me to witness suffering that can be avoided by making changes to their life.

My thoughts took me to questioning God's plan for my life - is this really my purpose?
I had to give myself a quick pep talk to stay focused on what I know is true, and to keep my mind from slipping to a place of defeat.
I had to remind myself that no matter how many setbacks or disappointments that enter my life, God still has a great plan for me. I can't allow myself to lose hope - if I don't have hope I won't have faith, and I've lived that life before - I have no intentions of going back. I have to take what God has given me, my special talents, and do all that I can do with it.

A few years ago my pastor did a great sermon on "someday" that has always stuck with me. I don't remember his exact words, but he talked about some of the greatest talent that we never got to experience. Such as, the best writers that we never read their books, artist that their work should have been in museums, talented musicians that we didn't get to dance to their music, athletes that we never saw play, singers, coaches, visionaries, entrepreneurs - the list is endless because we all have something magnificent to give to this world, but a vast majority of people take all of their God given talents to the grave, waiting for someday.

I occasionally have to remind myself that conditions aren't always going to be perfect, and me waiting for someday will just take my talents and dreams to the grave. I need to continue to be diligent in the pursuit of fulfilling my purpose because that's Gods plan for my life. I can't allow fear, a bad day, or a bad week to change the course of my life. I can't let the stumbling blocks become my road blocks. I have to keep my hopes and faith alive and remember that I'm not fighting my battles on my own, I'm not walking my journey alone, and someday is a crutch.

Don't let your talents and dreams go to the grave waiting for someday - show the world what you have to offer!

Peace, Love, & Hugs!

Friday, July 15, 2016

My Super Power

I had a Superwoman moment this morning. Actually a day in my house with animals and children is always a job for Superwoman, but today I actually had to leap in a single bound.
I have a 16 year old Pekingese that has a bad back leg, her hearing is almost gone, she can barely see, and the majority of the time I'm issuing a Silver Alert because she gets lost in the house and can't find her way back to the kitchen. 

This morning after walking in circles for awhile and making a couple of trips down the hallway, she finally made it to the kitchen to go out. I let her out while having my typical I don't want to conversation with the 2 year old, along with me calming the fussy newborn. The 6 year old had already decided to escape all of the chaos by retreating to her room. I'm also now trying to ignore the horrible sound coming from the piano that the 2 year old left open when he finished pretending that he was reading music, playing the piano, and singing to me his la, la, la song - now one of the cats is walking back and forth making music. Are you beginning to get a vision of my world?

As I'm being serenaded by the cat, my large dogs decided they want out - so out they go! I continue my deep discussion with the 2 year old on why you don't lay on the couch and fling your cup across the room while screaming, I'm done!  Suddenly my thoughts went to Phoebe (my old lady dog ) that hadn't barked to come in and had been out awhile. As I open the door I see my big dog partially in the pool looking down into it, and then Phoebe swims past like she's on vacation at a resort. What the hell! I glance back at the baby in her seat on the counter, and at the 2 year old running around. I look back at the pool and questioned how much time I had. Leaving a 2 year old unattended too long can be a dangerous thing. Can I get outside and back in before he notices ... no time to scream for the 6 year old to be in charge. So out I go... running, jumping in, and scooping Ms. Phoebe up before I was even missed. (Thank you Kimberly Cosenza for teaching me how to swim)

He didn't even notice I was soaking wet and holding a wet dog when I walked by him. It could be because he had made a nice puddle at the play kitchen cooking with some water bottles he had taken off the counter. Someday I'll learn to put the lids back on - at least he didn't go for the baby!

I'd have to say my super power for today was my super speed!

Peace, Love, & Hugs!

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Where is the Love

This song has been one of my favorites for several years, Lately I can't seem to get it out of my head with all the violence that's going on.

Music has always been my escape and my salvation - this song has always spoke truth to me and reminds me that there's still too much suffering in the world that we live in.
I think most of  us are working so hard to secure our future that we begin to live our lives in a box, forgetting those that are working hard just to see tomorrow. Sometimes the only thing that reminds us that we're living in a hurting world is something horrific taking place that shakes us a little, and then something sparks inside of us - it either sparks compassion or hate, but either way it's a reminder of the world that we're living in.

Click the link for the lyrics.

Have a beautiful day!

Peace, Love, & Hugs

Monday, July 11, 2016


Boy am I happy for Monday!

I had a draining Sunday due to a situation that happened and stayed in my thoughts longer than it should have. So today I'm going to write about it and release it.

A gentleman around the age of 60 that had both legs amputated decided that myself and a coworker was his verbal punching bag. As he screamed at us he always managed to say, I'm an amputee in each sentence. We both remained as calm as humanely possible, and I mentally reminded myself as the horrible and hurtful words were spewing out of his mouth - hurting people often hurt people as a result of their unresolved issues. But, what I also was reminded of  how damaging words can be.

I went home and had dinner with my family, relaxed, and did my usual night routine, but I continued hearing his hateful words. I couldn't seem to shake those thoughts. It could be that I hadn't experienced behavior as such after I left home at 18, so I wasn't mentally prepared for it, or he triggered a memory from my early life of hearing disparaging words and it broke me a little. ( I think it was a little of both)  Either way it was a reminder to me how words can lift you up or tear you down in a matter of a few seconds. I attempt to use my words daily to lift up because I know what that kind of brokenness feels like, and no one deserves to feel that way.

We need to remember to speak with kindness and love, and teach this to our children so they grow up to be kind caring adults; unlike the man that I encountered.

I don't know his story because he didn't allow me to find out, but I'm sure he has blessings in his struggles that he's blinded to because hate and anger has taken over. By the end of my night I was able to finally feel compassion and I prayed for him. Yes, that should have been what I was doing while he was raging, but his words consumed my thoughts to where all that I wanted at that moment was for him to leave and never return. I'm praying this week is a  better week for him.

 Don't forget to look for and acknowledge your blessings during your struggles. We all have unfair things happen to us in life, but you can't let bitterness take root. 
Peace, Love, & Hugs!

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Addiction Is A Monster

I follow quite a few groups and blogs regarding addiction - yesterday as I listened to Rockers in Recovery live on facebook, it just reconfirmed to me how drug addiction is a growing problem that too many children and adults are losing their life to. It's not just a select few that many would like to think - it's people in our family, friends, and co-workers. I read on ASAM that drug overdose is the leading cause of accidental death in the US, and of the 21.5 million Americans, 12 and older had a substance abuse disorder in 2014, 1.9 million involved prescription pain killers, and 586,000 involved heroin. Do you see the problem?

 I have addiction in my family and it is not just the problem of the addict, it becomes a family problem, and a society problem. It damages families, relationships, neighborhoods, schools, and workplaces to name a few. We all need to become better educated on addiction and do what we can to fix this growing epidemic.

I know many of you don't agree that it's a disease. It took me many years to accept it as that because I didn't understand why will power wasn't enough to stop using; or how you can be surrounded with blessings, but still want to escape. I didn't understand how the addict can turn an entire family upside and be unaffected from it. And I still struggle with those things because I believe apologies are important, and children and family are precious. But I learned that addiction is a complex disease of the brain, so it's not that easy.

It's a tough road for everyone involved. There's days that I spiral out of control because of it and walk around screaming, why God, why my family, as I pray for it to end because I'm so exhausted from this battle. I'm reminded why not my family, which makes me stop to think what it must feel like to be the addict. I'm sure there's days that they're also screaming why me and praying for it to end.

I've lost all judgments that I once had towards the addict and their families. I use to silently shame the families when I would see young people living on the streets dirty and broken, until I became one of those families. Yes, God opened my eyes to a monster I didn't know, and put me on a path that I never thought I'd walk. I believe there's blessings in our battles, so the journey will continue with me walking in faith.

Peace, Love, & Hugs!

Monday, July 4, 2016

Seeking Geechi Pie

I don't have a lot of great childhood memories, but food is one memory that has stuck with me.

My father loved to cook and share his food. I now know that food was his love language - it's a love language that speaks to all five senses. I think I inherited a little of it because I am a food pusher. Alright, I'll be honest - food is my love language. I love to cook it, share it, and eat it - I love food!

Anyway, he use to make this dish that he called Geechi Pie that was to die for.
I've been craving it for approximately 30 years, and have asked every black woman that I meet that is over the age of 70 how to make it. Thus far I haven't found the right woman with the recipe that I'm seeking. So yesterday I decided to try and recreate it simply from memory of taste and looks.

What it is basically is a beef pie with Mexican spices. I remember the broth being natural juices, but I decided to flour and sear my meat before I threw it in the crock ( he didn't use a crock pot) I won't flour it next time before searing because the broth was more of a gravy. I wanted a bite to it so I threw in fresh jalapenos and a lot of green chill's, cayenne pepper, and Tony Chachere's more spice. I wish I had thought of cumin at the time, but next time. I also put a layer of spanish rice on top of the meat before putting the top pie crust on. (no rice in my dad's) The smell was heavenly, and the appearance was acceptable, but the taste wasn't quite right. Maybe the rice threw it off a bit.

My food critics (husband and daughter) gave it a thumbs up, but I'm not yet satisfied - so more Geechi Pie to come!

The pictures aren't great because they were done with my cell, and I'm not a food photographer, but this is what it looked like. If anyone knows what I'm talking about and can help me perfect it, please share!


We did end the dinner with a a family recipe of my husbands that's been passed down since the 60's...delicious crepes that are always done right!

Peace, Love, & Hugs!