Before I continue with my journey I want to say that I have never thought of or introduced my sisters as half sisters, so I will be referring to them as my sisters.
The Birth and The Truth
My sister Anna was in 8th grade, the year was 1966 when she gave birth to a daughter. I was young, but in my heart I knew that this was my father's child. There was never a conversation because we didn't talk about anything real as a family, it was all just fluff.
It wasn't until July of 1990 on the day before my father's funeral that my sister Anna spoke her truth. I was 31, and for the first time I saw her power and strength. I was thrilled that she had found her voice. I'm sure many thought her timing could have been better, but it was genius. She had her stage, and sometimes you only get one chance in life, and this was hers!
She had the entire family waiting for her to take her turn and say something noble and grand about the evil man that dictated her life and stole away her childhood. But she was done pretending, so she spoke the truth with conviction in her voice, and in front of relatives that always knew the truth but didn't have the balls, oops, I mean the courage, to do anything about it.
I scanned the room with joy in my heart as I looked at the faces of everyone sitting around my mothers living room. It was just moments before that they were struggling to share positive memories about him, and now the truth was being told. She didn't stop with just revealing her truth; she shared that my older sister's child was my fathers as well. It was priceless! I did feel empathy for my sister/nieces hearing it in this way, but I was so happy that she had ended the charade. They all knew, and I knew that they did, so I wasn't buying and of the shocked faces.
My Aunt Lurlean begin walking out of the room, but I wasn't going to allow it. Not this time! She had turned and walked away too many times in my lifetime knowing what her brother was. I stopped her, and as I looked into her eyes I asked, "why?"
"Why didn't you do anything?" She smiled at me and said, "I knew you were going to be okay." I call bullshit on that answer. It wasn't just about me, there was an entire family that needed rescuing, and I wasn't okay. None of us were.
How Could I Leave Them
My mother cared for both of my sister/nieces and raised them as if they were her own. I was always told that they were my sisters, so that was the story I stuck with for many years until I spoke my truth. The older I became I often wondered how my sisters and mother must have felt keeping that secret and living that lie. I also had wondered when it happened?
I do remember my father in different bedrooms, but never in the room with my mother. She slept in the living room on a hideabed. I remember my father in my bed, but I don't have any recollection of anything happening; just one night of me feeling horribly uncomfortable and pushing my body as far away from him as possible. I still remember how cold my bedroom wall felt that night as I pretended to sleep. I can't remember if that was the first night or the last night he crawled into bed with me, but in my heart I believed we had an unspoken agreement after that night that he would never touch me. I'm sure with extensive therapy I would be able to remember if anything ever happened, but I'm fine never knowing that truth.
That night was the beginning of me becoming an extremely light sleeper. I became tired of protecting myself, and angry at the world for me living this way. I hated carrying the sack of lies that had been gifted to me, but I never thought of telling. I just remained quiet, hopeful and determined that one day I would escape, as I struggled with how I could leave them all behind to face this monster alone. This life made me hurt, and I wanted the pain to end.
Until next time!
Peace, love, & hugs!