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Moving On

My time at home during my high school years became mainly a place to lie my head at night. I wasn't really involved with whatever nonsense that took place each day - it was school and work for me. My focus had switched to saving as much money as possible to walk out the door at 18.

I Turned 18
I left home at 18 with a husband and a daughter. My life was finally going to begin, but my father wasn't a good loser. He would call me on the phone trying hard to break me down with his words, and on occasion would walk back and forth in front of my place of employment trying hard to intimidate me. It wasn't about him missing me or loving me; it was simply because I had broke free, and he had lost control.  

The Confrontation
Finally one night after work I stopped by my parents home to confront the issue. He flew into a rage shouting that he was going to kill me. I was beyond tired of that same old threat that he screamed at each of us at least once in our lifetime. I looked at him and said,  "Okay, do it." Something changed after that incident. It became a different relationship on his part. He sent me a letter shortly after that night expressing how much alike we were, and that he loved me. But, my feelings for him remained the same. I couldn't go back and try to love him again. I had learned years ago that trying to love him was killing me. I had no interest in trying to establish a father daughter relationship. I no longer wanted or needed the relationship - it just wasn't in me to love him; so I didn't.

Love and Trust
I was full of issues from my upbringing, and love and trust were on the top. I didn't trust many people, and love was confusing to me, but I was married now with a newborn, and I knew deep in my heart that going backwards to begin again with my father would not be a good choice. I had walked away from that life which had stripped me of my childhood, caused me continuous pain, and had stole my inner peace. My intentions for myself was to continue moving forward with the new life that I had chosen for me. The past was just that, the past. All of the energy that I had put into trying to make life different with my father had always given me the same result - no change. I was done putting in the time and effort into something that no longer mattered to me. I was moving on!
A New Love
I needed what love that I had left in me to pour into my new life and my new family; so that is what I did.

Peace, Love, & Hugs!


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