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Fighting My Thoughts

Happy, positive and determined had become my new way of living life; at least that's what I thought. But, we all know that life isn't that easy.

I was positive in my thinking, but I always seemed to leave the window open just enough for a negative thought from my past to slip in and challenge my thinking. The majority of the time I was able to dismiss them, but I had one week in the late 80's that put up a good fight. It was difficult for me to climb out of bed each morning and function, and harder for me to smile. My smile had always seemed to get me through the worst of days, but this time I struggled.

A good friend of mine, June, stopped by one day as I was lying on the carpet lifeless watching the kids play. She kept asking me if I was okay, and I tried hard to sound convincing that I was, but I wasn't even buying it. For the first time in my life the fight had left me and I didn't know how to get it back. This was my suffering, and it was just there. I had to endure it and survive it, so I kept telling myself that this would pass.
But, the following morning as I drug myself out of bed to get ready for work, the feeling of my life crumbling was still there. I was tired and had no strength to continue fighting the demons in my head.
As I was slowly walking to work I continued meditating on everything negative that I had experienced; hearing the hateful words that I had heard over and over again growing up.
With each step I took the worst it became, and I started questioning why I was alive. I wasn't at the right mindset to think of all the reasons that I should be alive - I just wanted to die.
As I walked along Ina Rd. I kept telling myself to walk into traffic - no one cares, and no one will miss you I kept telling myself. I remember tears running like a flowing river down my face as I told myself to do it. I don't know if I stepped off the sidewalk or not, but I do know that a sound of a horn louder than anything I had heard before snapped me out of my thoughts. I looked around and down - I was standing on the sidewalk. I wondered if I had walked into the street, and who honked the horn that saved me?  I never got an answer to either one of those questions, but my thoughts changed after that moment, and I couldn't shake the notion that God had played a part in the horn honking.

I wasn't a believer back then, but God had begun to consume my thoughts after that day.
I'm not going to preach, but at that point in my life I had come to the realization that I needed a higher power to help me win my battle, and for me that became God.

Peace, Love & Hugs!


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