Murraytalk

I came across this as I was scrolling through Instagram this morning. It was the missing piece of the puzzle in regards to what I was feeling this past weekend. I am so tired of the expectations of others being placed on me. I am not you and I will continue to be who I am regardless if it fits into the cookie cutter world that you have created for yourself. I don't expect people to be in my life if it doesn't work for them, but what I do expect is, if you are a part of it accept me as I am flaws and all. I'm tired of the "you know how she is" whispers. The " she needs to fix that" conversations, and the trying to control what I say and do. The solution to those concerns are simple...Don't be involved in my life. The one thing that has always been missing in my family is no one really hears the words that are being said, so there's no real understanding of what is hurtful or what takes me back to a place that I don't want to revisit.

The past few weeks I've been sorting through my many tubs of pictures. As I was going through them I came across a checkbook style booklet that belonged to my mother. I had no memory of looking through it before. As I sat and thumbed through it I came across a yellow and fragile bible verse that she had carefully tore out so every word was readable. The verse was about the evil in the world. Seeing this triggered an explosion of emotions in me. I couldn't help but think that she must have thought her life was intended to be ruled by evil; that this was just the way of the world. It gave me a better understanding of why she turned a blind eye to things that she should have confronted, but saddened me to think that she didn't feel or believe that she was worthy of a better life. I don't believe anyone ever told her that she could clean up her mistakes; that she deserved more, and could have more. Instead she just lived life with the way it was; never fighting for chan

A little late on writing my thoughts for the day. My 3 year old grandson spent the day with me and I had forgotten all that was involved with hanging out with him. I figured better late than never, so here's a quick message that I want to share. I read several different devotionals each day, but one that I'm really enjoying was sent to me by the author. His name is Charles L, and the book is Just A Thought . It's a book for those in sobriety, but I think everyone can apply his thoughts to their life. Yesterdays thought was a great reminder for me. It was about surrender and how surrender is the key to the gates to Heaven. I was reminded that I need to allow myself to be directed by God instead of trying to control everything in my life. I work hard on not trying to control, but growing up in a highly dysfunctional home, you tend to control. Also, having a son living with me that is working on his sobriety sometimes sends me to a place of control. I remind myself most

The more that I write about my journey the more I have to protect my thinking and not let the thoughts of my past begin to consume me. Last week I allowed my thoughts to go in a negative direction, thinking of my sister/niece stealing my mother's home and money. She was raised as my sister and my mother cared for her and loved her as her daughter, but once my father died it became apparent that our love and family were not important to her if there wasn't a chunk of money waiting for her at the end of the rainbow.  I had to cut off all communication with her this year because her actions are unacceptable to me, and thinking about her choices caused too much restlessness in my soul; and you all know that I cherish my peace.  What I'm getting at is that sometimes we have to walk away from those that we spent our entire life loving unconditionally. She was the one that I always protected. I removed her from the chaos as much as I possibly could when she was a child.