It's been awhile since I've written, but lately writing seems to be consuming my thoughts.
I guess the only reason I quit doing it on a daily basis is because my family life was slowing stealing my thought process.
I shared many times about living with an addict and how it begins to strip you of simple things...such as sleep, I wasn't falling asleep at night until he was asleep. I would sleep very light hearing every sound that came from his room. It was like having a new born in the house once again.
During his waking hours I felt like I was living as a prisoner in my own home... dead bolts on every door so he couldn't enter our bedrooms or go into the garage. We had enough of our things pawned in the past - trust hadn't been rebuilt at this point. We felt locking things up was our only option. At times I would think how sad he must feel to live in a home where you have to ask permission to use things that should just be available. I would think to myself it's all just stuff so why do I even care. I'm not attached to anything I own, I don't idolize my possessions - they're just things that I've accumulated. But, trust had been broken and the lies had gotten out of hand, which is what addicts do. I knew that the person that would steal and lie to me was not my son. Not that it made life any easier knowing that it was the drug that had stolen my child. I did a lot of praying and I'm guilty of a lot of screaming. I said things that you would never want to come out of your mouth, but I was pushed to a level that I try hard to avoid. I am human and I stumble. His addiction changed each of us turning us into someone we didn't want to be. Something had to change.
I started with changing my prayer for him.
My prayers changed to, " Father, please heal his brain," and then I turned it all completely over to God.
I couldn't lose anymore sleep or worry about his addiction any longer - it was all in Gods hands now.
I slowly saw changes in him. He was home more, more lucid, more helpful. I was seeing a little more of the real him. We were having real conversations. I told him I would help him when he was ready to fix himself, but I couldn't fix him. He said, "I'm going to rehab in a month." Why a month - why not go now and be done. He wanted to participate on 4/20. It made me question how serious he was about going to rehab. I said, " Well, lets pray that your last high you don't die."
He didn't get high on 4/20 because he got into a heated argument with his drug buddy. He came home irritated and disgusted that all his friend wanted to do was heroine all day... he's going to end up killing himself and he won't listen to me. As he was pacing the floor screaming at his friend on the phone I said, " It's totally different isn't it when you're the one one sober watching the one high. And he's not going to listen to you or anyone else... his drug is his Higher Power - Welcome to my world!"
It took weeks to find a facility that we could get him in, and then we had to wait for an available bed. Each day I prayed that I could keep him home and clean as we waited.
I received a phone call that a bed would be available on the 13th, It was just 10 days away, but trying to keep his mind where it needed to be was like telling me a bed would be available in a year. Each day is a challenge and you pray that nothing triggers his brain to want to get high. He was getting bored and ready to hit the streets, but he was hanging in there. As the weekend neared he was having a difficult time. I wouldn't let him use my phone, and tried to keep him off facebook so he had no contact with the people he needed to stay away from. We took him out dancing with the family on Sat. and I said, "Mother's Day is Sunday and you're going to be here. That is my Mother's Day gift from you - you have to be here," He insisted that he would be and he was, but he found a couple of dollars and bought a couple of lottery tickets and won a little bit of money, Great! the one thing I didn't want him to have - money. He went to dinner with us and took off when we got home to go play basketball. Bored with money = I need to pray harder.
There were a few that doubted he would be back that evening. I didn't/ couldn't think about it. I went to bed that night telling myself if it's Gods will he'll bring him home.
It was after midnight and I heard his knock at the front door. I opened it praying he wasn't high - there he was with a bouquet of flowers in his hand and not high. "Happy Mother's Day," he said as he handed me the flowers and walked down the hall for bed.
Today is his 15th day in rehab and I had my first conversation with him today on the phone since he left. He sounds great and is feeling great. He has had some clarity and is grateful and appreciative for the people in his life that never gave up and loved him at his worse.
It's all baby steps ... all I can do is to continue to pray and have the faith that his steps will keep moving forward and upward.
1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
I guess the only reason I quit doing it on a daily basis is because my family life was slowing stealing my thought process.
I shared many times about living with an addict and how it begins to strip you of simple things...such as sleep, I wasn't falling asleep at night until he was asleep. I would sleep very light hearing every sound that came from his room. It was like having a new born in the house once again.
During his waking hours I felt like I was living as a prisoner in my own home... dead bolts on every door so he couldn't enter our bedrooms or go into the garage. We had enough of our things pawned in the past - trust hadn't been rebuilt at this point. We felt locking things up was our only option. At times I would think how sad he must feel to live in a home where you have to ask permission to use things that should just be available. I would think to myself it's all just stuff so why do I even care. I'm not attached to anything I own, I don't idolize my possessions - they're just things that I've accumulated. But, trust had been broken and the lies had gotten out of hand, which is what addicts do. I knew that the person that would steal and lie to me was not my son. Not that it made life any easier knowing that it was the drug that had stolen my child. I did a lot of praying and I'm guilty of a lot of screaming. I said things that you would never want to come out of your mouth, but I was pushed to a level that I try hard to avoid. I am human and I stumble. His addiction changed each of us turning us into someone we didn't want to be. Something had to change.
I started with changing my prayer for him.
My prayers changed to, " Father, please heal his brain," and then I turned it all completely over to God.
I couldn't lose anymore sleep or worry about his addiction any longer - it was all in Gods hands now.
I slowly saw changes in him. He was home more, more lucid, more helpful. I was seeing a little more of the real him. We were having real conversations. I told him I would help him when he was ready to fix himself, but I couldn't fix him. He said, "I'm going to rehab in a month." Why a month - why not go now and be done. He wanted to participate on 4/20. It made me question how serious he was about going to rehab. I said, " Well, lets pray that your last high you don't die."
He didn't get high on 4/20 because he got into a heated argument with his drug buddy. He came home irritated and disgusted that all his friend wanted to do was heroine all day... he's going to end up killing himself and he won't listen to me. As he was pacing the floor screaming at his friend on the phone I said, " It's totally different isn't it when you're the one one sober watching the one high. And he's not going to listen to you or anyone else... his drug is his Higher Power - Welcome to my world!"
It took weeks to find a facility that we could get him in, and then we had to wait for an available bed. Each day I prayed that I could keep him home and clean as we waited.
I received a phone call that a bed would be available on the 13th, It was just 10 days away, but trying to keep his mind where it needed to be was like telling me a bed would be available in a year. Each day is a challenge and you pray that nothing triggers his brain to want to get high. He was getting bored and ready to hit the streets, but he was hanging in there. As the weekend neared he was having a difficult time. I wouldn't let him use my phone, and tried to keep him off facebook so he had no contact with the people he needed to stay away from. We took him out dancing with the family on Sat. and I said, "Mother's Day is Sunday and you're going to be here. That is my Mother's Day gift from you - you have to be here," He insisted that he would be and he was, but he found a couple of dollars and bought a couple of lottery tickets and won a little bit of money, Great! the one thing I didn't want him to have - money. He went to dinner with us and took off when we got home to go play basketball. Bored with money = I need to pray harder.
There were a few that doubted he would be back that evening. I didn't/ couldn't think about it. I went to bed that night telling myself if it's Gods will he'll bring him home.
It was after midnight and I heard his knock at the front door. I opened it praying he wasn't high - there he was with a bouquet of flowers in his hand and not high. "Happy Mother's Day," he said as he handed me the flowers and walked down the hall for bed.
Today is his 15th day in rehab and I had my first conversation with him today on the phone since he left. He sounds great and is feeling great. He has had some clarity and is grateful and appreciative for the people in his life that never gave up and loved him at his worse.
It's all baby steps ... all I can do is to continue to pray and have the faith that his steps will keep moving forward and upward.
1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
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